Monday, May 14, 2007

The Difference between a Trial Lawyer and a Prostitute*

Wait, wait, stop me if you’ve heard this one. Oh, you have. Well, what's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?** Yeah, I guess that’s kinda old. The difference between a lawyer and a catfish?***

There’s a slew of them. Some funnier than others. Almost all rubbing me the wrong way. I like to substitute “pharmaceutical rep” for lawyer or attorney when I tell mine. At least attorney’s serve a function.

Industry is ruled by a bottom-line. Personal injury lawyers, if they prey on anything, prey on the predators, taking a little of the abundant profits made on consumer misery and redistributing the wealth. I might be romanticizing, but they’re a little like this fellow from Sherwood—or this lady from Cali.

It’s a little like that Union bumper sticker: Safer workplaces brought to you by litigation. First asbestos. Lately benzene. And soon maybe popcorn lung (link pending).

Each one of these series of lawsuits is a step forward to safer workplaces, which does not necessarily mean (unlike what tort reform advocates suggest) higher insurance and costs but, rather, a higher standard of health for our fellow American workers and conscientious business practices. Lawyers are private citizens’ posse when the company store violates our rights, when government agencies can’t, haven’t, or won’t protect us, like in cases of stock fraud or nursing home abuse.

Industry cries abuses, like lawyers and disabled people invented mesothelioma and acute lymphocytic leukemia. Meanwhile, industries (like the big pharmaceuticals) market sickness, creating both the cure and the disease for such “crippling” (and questionable) ailments and "diseases" as restless legs syndrome and menopause. Perhaps, in some near future utopia, those suffering from sore jaws and unproductive or delayed stays in the restroom might be saved from chewing food and defecation—Mr. Gerber, meet Mrs. Metamucil. Industry reps, especially those in D.C., are like an orifice on the end of my elbow—right here, my elbow.

That’s the difference.


Envy all people, let none annoy thee.


* Clothes
** A vampire only sucks blood at night.
*** One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
**** In fact, the only good joke I read—sure, it plays into that horrible lack of class consciousness and self-protection that serves the interest of big business, but it’s funny—was
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

2 comments:

dharmaDiver said...

"At least attorney’s serve a function." I don't think you need the apostrophe in attorneys, eh? I'm still editing your copy from afar. ;)

AlegraMarcel said...

I like the scum sucking bottom feeder joke the best. Second best: senator (but seems like the same joke, to me...)